Hoping that I will miraculously get lucky with this drawing. Not holding much hope, especially since no one actually reads this journal, and so very little word is getting out for the author. Others, like Naamah, are much more deserving. Ahh, well.

How You Can Help (if, you know, you're inclined to do things like helping out young authors. And if you like the book, which is by no means certain.)

• Buy the book. Obviously. I mean, this is the most direct way, and pretty important--if you haven't bought a copy already, snap one up. Sales mean I get to keep writing books and do not have to go work at Starbucks...er...have been fired from Starbucks in the past, so cannot even work there.This is a really important book for me--if it does well, I get to keep working. If not, life gets a lot harder. If you never buy another of my books, please give a thought to buying this one.
• Link to the book in your journals/websites--colloquially known as "pimping." Please to be pimping. And if you are or have the ear of any of the high-traffic bloggers, see if they'd/you'd like to wear the pimp hat for a day. Please do get the word out, if you can. All books need help, especially if they are non-linear and not about vampires or werewolves or both. If you want me to cross-link to any of your work in exchange, let me know.
• If you link to Palimpsest in your journals any time in the next week, send me a link and I will enter you in a drawing to win a Palimpsest Immigration Package--one of these, made by naamah_darling

  

  Each of these contains a signed copy of the book, a complete line of the Starborn Alchemy Palimpsest scents, a Palimpsest pendant, an original piece of jewelry by upstart_crow, a set of Palimpsest-inspired chocolates by the owner of Habeas Brulee, and many more goodies. There are only two of these in existence: email me the link to your post to be entered for one; send me a receipt showing you've bought the book to be entered for the other!
  
  
  

    *looks at finger* It's gone... I just now realized that the blister is gone. Weird... It was there last night. I think.
    Europe in two days! It still doesn't feel real. I've got my bag packed, for the most part, and there's still some things I need to get. I just... yeah. I can't believe I'm going to Europe. Had our last meeting yesterday at Mrs. Walton's house. I don't think her mom likes our group. Can't blame her, though. As a whole, we have been irresponsible. The first thing we're doing when we get to Paris is visiting the Louvre. *squeals* Omg. The Louvre! Craziness.
    Neffie approves of him. She's seen that he takes good care of her Amberperson. I told him about Amburger and he said he would so want to eat that. *rolls her eyes and laughs* He's incorrigible.

    School's finally out! Besides the fact that I'm still up doing one last project (more on that later) and the fact that I still have to do AP Lit stuff, I'm happy as hell. Monday I had to come home before school even started because I almost passed out in the cafeteria. So I missed 3rd period (Mechanical Drawing) and 4th period (Chemistry). I am oh-so-glad I did, though! My Chem. teacher, Mr. Raymond, told me I didn't have to take the exam. Basically, even if I had gotten an A, my grade would still be a B. So he just gave me a 4! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I would not have scored nearly so high. I hadn't had a chance to study or anything. I, like, love Mr. Raymond right now. This past night would have been far worse if I had had to study for an exam and finish this project.
    Now, about the project. This whole quarter has been dedicated to the building of a house that we design. I just started building the fucker this past weekend. It was due yesterday (day before, technically, but I haven't gone to bed yet). I procrastinated bad. In my defense, there were a lot of other projects I had to work on instead of this one. Though I did manage my time badly (more on that later). So anyway, Fate has found a way to punish me. Earlier, the glue gun dripped glue on the side of the table. The very edge, really. I instinctively went  to catch the glue to save the boots that were under the table. The glue stuck to my finger, as it has a tendency to do. Unfortunately, this is hot glue and it stayed on for a couple of seconds. I got the shit off and my finger basically immediately started blistering. Especially after I ran it under cold water. It looks very dead. The skin is white. And it hurt like a bitch. Thank the gods for Vicodin... After I ran out of the stuff after my surgery, the doc prescribed me some more. So I have a bottle of Vicodin. Which is good. It's working, apparently, since I'm typing with that finger...
    Europe in a week! Dear gods, it's crazy. Tomorrow/today, I have to pack my bag(s) and see what I still need. Me and Mama are going to go shopping after I do an inventory check. Then Neffie's coming over. Yay! I haven't seen her since prom. Crazy. I don't know that I'm going to be able to make it through the day without some serious caffeine intake, though. I would hate to go to bed early when she's over.
    Now... about me managing my time badly... Last Friday, after I got home from exams at 12pm, a certain someone and I talked on the internet for 12 hours. Yes. You read that right. 12 hours. Straight, pretty much. Is this a sad thing? In our defense, we did not repeat subjects... Um, wow. I just... I'm always so happy when I talk with him. He makes me smile and laugh so much that my cheeks hurt. He... ah... he's so... I don't know. It's the highlight of my day, talking to him. He has kept me sane these past couple of weeks. I don't really know what I'd do without him...

    So. Life's been a bit much lately. Thank the gods for a certain someone in my life. The only thing that's keeping me sane.
    The end of the school year crept up on me. I had a shitload of projects to do. I stayed up until 2:30am Tuesday night so that I could finish my project. And didn't. And couldn't the next day in 1st period because my teacher was a bitch. So, unsurprisingly, I broke down on Wed. morning and later that night. Of course, in the morning, it was in front of my teacher. I seem to be making a habit of crying in front of my teachers. Did so last year in front of Koyanagi. Anyway, I decided when I got home that I didn't want to deal with it anymore, so I didn't do my French project. And I still got points. I don't understand my teacher sometimes, but I won't complain. Found out today that I stressed out for no reason, since she's accepting it all until Tuesday at 1pm.
    Emotional stuff going on, too. Shane isn't taking our break-up well. I don't expect him to, but... I dunno. He expects too much of me. I can't be what he wants me to be. I hate hurting him, but... Well, I'm not going to change for other people. I like how I am, for the most part, so there's no need to change. Especially because there are others who like and accept me for who I am.
    Last night sucked ass. My period started, and I got a headache. Cramps and the headache were vying with each other for my attention. The headache left, but I've still got the cramps. Been hating men on and off all day. Fuckin' men have it easy. We have to go through this shit every month until menopause and the pain and inconvenience of pregnancy and child labor...
    Despite all of this, I have been giddily happy when I'm not breaking down or crying. Won't go into too much detail here, but... Well. Let's just say I can't wait to get back to the mainland permanently. Next summer is going to rock.

I know there's somethin in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns to dark.


Your arms are my castle
Your heart is my sky
They wipe away tears from my eyes.

    First off, I should say that Shane and I have broken up. We broke up Thursday night. It was mutual. We've both been thinking over the past couple of months about when I go to college. Neither of us believe in long-distance relationships. Personally, I would never put myself in that position. I don't want to have to deal with the temptation to cheat on the one that's away. Anyway, back to Shane and I. He also said it seemed like we didn't really know each other anymore. Like he was giving me a hug and he couldn't see my face. I said it was like we were like Shamber the unit, instead of Shane and Amber. He agreed. He also said it seemed like we've been arguing more and more. So, we're taking a step back and we're going to just be friends. Best friends, but friends nonetheless. He says maybe we could get back together, years from now. I don't know about that. We may not be the same people in a couple of years. So. I'm a free woman now. This is good and bad. Good, in that now I can do things Shane didn't approve of. Such as try weed in college. Bad, in that things between Shane and I will change. It'll be a little awkward, I think. I'm not going to be with anyone else until I go to college. For a couple of reasons. One, it would hurt Shane. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is. Two, there would be no point. The odds that I would meet a guy I could like that way that just happens to want to go to the same college that I do is very slim. Especially because I don't know what college I want to go to for sure. And anyway, the majority of people who go to college with a high school sweetheart don't finish college still with that sweetheart. So I'll just save myself the trouble.
    I had surgery. I survived (obviously). I lost 10 lbs from the last time I went to the doctor's. I was 142, then when I weighed myself on our scale on Saturday or Sunday, I weighed 130 lbs. I hadn't had a thing to eat in a day and a half, so this wasn't too surprising. I was on Vicodin until Monday, when I ran out. It wasn't how I thought it would be. Not as strong and I didn't act all loopy. *shrug* Whatever. I got my stitches out on Thursday. That fuckin' hurt. The tissue was still swollen: the doc had to use tweezers, basically, to grab the knot and pull so that he could cut them. Painful... And now I'm back on solids! Yay! Gods, that sucked to have to live on liquids and very soft food. Yogurt, Atkins' shakes, grape juice, pudding, and chicken noodle soup became my best friends. Not anymore, though. Solids are mine again.
    I leave for Europe in 25 days. Omigods. Fuckin' crazy! I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome. Heh heh.
    I guess that's all. Oh wait. No it isn't. I got my ACT scores back like just before my surgery. I got a 28. Ok, I suppose. I probably could've done better. It's always the math that kills me. My SAT scores were 1750. My math score was like 500. It's always the fuckin' math...

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If everything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've gotta promise not to stop when I say "When"

    Omigod. So, Tuesday I was playing on WoW with Matt, my internet... well I don't know what you'd call him. We're friends, but there's this romantic overtone to it. Anyways, we were playing and talking. Mostly talking. I don't remember what about, but he asked for my number again. Said he couldn't find it on his desk. So I gave it to him. And he's like, "You know what? I'm going to call you now." And I was like, "Ok...." I didn't think he'd actually do it. But he did! He called and I saw it was him 'cause I had his number on my phone already. My heart was pounding but in a weird way. When I get nervous my chest gets tight and my head feels funky and yeah.... I didn't say all that much. I was too nervous. He called again yesterday and we talked for about half an hour. That went better. I was still nervous, but this time I did most of the talking. I felt bad, 'cause I kept interrupting him. Kind of. It wasn't so much that I interrupted him as we'd both start talking at the same time. It was cool, though. I'm glad we started talking on the phone before we met. 'Cause it would have really awkward otherwise. It'll be awkward anyway, but.... *shrug* Eh.
    I'm having oral surgery tomorrow. I didn't go into much detail last time about what they're going to do, so here goes. I get to have my jaw drilled into and then they're going to insert a metal post, to widen and maintain that hole. Then I get the implant. I'm so looking forward to this. Next week, I have to be on a special diet. Liquids and (really) soft foods only. That sucks. Ass. I'm going to have to take things to eat to school, because lord knows the school doesn't serve anything that I'll be able to eat.
    Oh. I didn't talk about Prom yet. It was fun. Like, really fun. I didn't expect it to be so fun. And apparently, I was frop-dead gorgeous. Like I wasn't even recognizable. I didn't keep count of them, but so many people said to me, "Amber, you're so pretty! I didn't even recognize you!" I wasn't sure whether to be pleased or insulted. Meagan and I made up. We're not exactly friends, I don't think, but we're on friendly terms again. That's good. I'd rather be friendly than there be animosity between us. But yeah, she just came up to me and asked to sit by her at the table, because it was a bit awkward for her. Her ex-boyfriend and Chelsea and Peter were there. So I said ok. I danced a bunch. Like a lot. My hips were hurting until Tuesday. Which was odd, to me. Whenever I sat down after dancing, it was because my thighs hurt. I woke up on Sunday and my hips were killing me. It hurt to walk, especially after sitting down for a long time. Trudy brought her cousin to Prom. Her especially hot cousin. I had to ask later if he was gay. He did a really loose-wristed hand motion. I was like, "Whoa.... Um... Hm...." So I asked her. Apparently he's just really femme. He's in ballet and gymnastics and that kind of stuff. They had a prop table. Heh heh. I ended up with a white feather boa and what looked like a wedding registry pen. In my hair. And a greenish butterfly mask. That I took home. We were supposed to give the props back to hotel. I gave back the feather and boa. Just not the mask. *shrug* You can find a picture of that getup (with a Pikachu backpack in the mix) here. Other prom pics you can find here.
    Well, that's all I guess. I'll try to keep updating semi-regularly, at least.

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

    Just finished cleaning the floor of my room so it doesn't look like a total mess when Nef comes. She's going to get ready here, possibly while I'm at my hair appointment. I'm feeling a bit funky. My head has that spacey feeling which never bodes good things. *shrug* I figured I would be doped up on tylenol tonight anyway.
    Prom. Tonight. I'm not all that excited. I think it might be the atmosphere here. There is no prom frenzy. Hell, people here don't even know the meaning of the word "frenzy". I was telling this to Erin a while back and she said, "Yeah. We're kind of apathetic here. Bit lethargic." Bit of an understatement, if you ask me. But that proved to be a bit of a good thing. Nef bought her prom dress Thursday. In the mainland, that would not have been possible. She said there wasn't as much of a selection as when we went for my prom dress. At least she found something. Totally opposite from what she wanted, but... She wanted a chocolate or plum colored dress. She got a very bright, sky blue dress. Interesting choice of color. She has the same shoes as me, only they're white. I don't care. They're pretty shoes.
    Well, I guess that's all. Just figured I should give a bit of an update.

    Been ages and ages since I updated. Sorry 'bout that. It's easy for me to fall out of the habit of journaling.
    Just so it's not a mystery, I did indeed get a keyboard for Christmas. And I didn't open it until last month. I had wanted to wait until there was room for it in my room and my room was how I wanted it. My brother opened it first and I was pissed. Enraged, actually. I cried. I think my hormones were a bit wacky that day. Only in the respect that I cried. I am still a bit ticked about it. I can hold a grudge like nothing. For me, my keyboard was... symbolic? spiritual? I dunno. It meant a lot to me. I had looked forward to being the first one to touch it (besides the people who had made and packaged it, of course) and forming a "bond" with it. I was going to be the only one to play it for a while. And my brother took that from me. After that, my keyboard lost some of it's appeal. It was tainted, in my mind, somehow. But, as I said, I opened it last month. But I haven't played it all that much. I have made some progress on Bach's "Minuet", though. I can (kind of) play it. Badly. Not on time. But hey, progress is progress.
    Prom is on Saturday. I'm conflicted now. But I don't want to get into that. Earlier today, I bitched about our class adviser. I hate favoritism. I really do. It's bullshit. But again, we'll not get into that.
    I'm having surgery next Friday. A bone graph. And an implant at the end of the month, I think. Something like that. It's gonna suck ass. I forgot to tell my work about it (because I forgot about it) so my boss probably won't be happy when my mom calls in and says I can't work because (if it's the day of surgery) I'm too drugged up or (if it's the Sat. and Sun. after surgery) I'm in too much pain. I should probably give Leah a heads up. So I have more of a chance of keeping my job for another two weeks. *shrug* But then again, with the hours that I've been getting lately, another $72 proably won't make much of a difference in my spending money.
    I leave for Europe on the night of the 12th of June. At 11pm. At least we're making the flight to the mainland at night. I can sleep the whole time. I won't fight for a window seat until we're on the way to Europe. I always get the window seat, if I have any say in the matter. I'm still not thinking about the trip too much. It's still kind of far away. And I may not get my passport in time. Which would really suck, 'cause then I wouldn't be able to go. And I don't know how much of the money we've paid that we could get back. This is one of the reasons I try not to think about it, though. So, moving on.
    Nef is moving Jul. 31. It sucks. She is the only real friend I have on the island. Dunno how I'll survive Senior year without someone real to talk to. Someone who knows me. The good and the bad. But, we'll cross that bridge when it gets here.
    Speaking of scary bridges, the idea of college is starting to really freak me out. It's coming up so fast. Next year, I'll be at college. Fuckin' scary, that. I don't know where I want to go. I thought I wanted to go to NKU, but now I'm not so sure. I always have that to fall back on, but for now, I'm widening my search to eastern Washington. We had someone from WaSU come and talk to us about it. She had a powerpoint. With pictures. Eastern Washington looks quite breathtakingly beautiful. It has all 4 seasons and beautiful Autumns. Which, at this point, are the only pre-requisites I have for a college. Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that I also don't know what I want to major in, anymore. I found out that the average Interior Designer only makes 45 grand a year. That's not enough to live on here. And while I don't plan on living here, the point is it's not a lot of money. I briefly toyed with the idea of being an editor. But I read that most editors start out as writers, whether for a magazine or to write a book of their own. I am not a writer. At least, I don't think I am. I might try to get on my college paper and see how it goes. Just to know for certain whether or not to trash the idea. So. I'm kind of stuck. If I don't have Interior Design or Editing, than I have no idea what I want to do. And I know that this is not unusual for a Junior in high school. Hell, it's not unusual for a Senior in high school. But this Junior does not like not knowing what she's going to do with her life. I want to know. Or at least have some idea.
    I'm going to take the ASVAB in Oct. to see what I would be good at. Nothing to do with people and being friendly with them, I'm sure. I have found that I hate people, in general. They annoy the hell out of me. Especially ones that cannot (or will not) speak English. If you come to my country, you need to learn my language. At least try to learn it, and well. You could expect me to try to learn French if I moved to France (hell I'm learning French right now and I don't even have plans on living there!). So, you come to my country, you learn my language. I go to your country, I'll learn yours. </endrant> Lol. Sorry about that. The whole english thing has really started to annoy me. I hate listening to people (try to) order a drink. I was hired to serve coffe to people, not to translate what they're saying.
    Well, I suppose that's all for now. I'll try to update again soonish. No promises, but... Well, I'll try. Now, to AP Lit homework!

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me
Whispers "Hello, I miss you quite terribly"
I fell in love, in love with you suddenly
Now there's no place else I could be but here in your arms

and

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding onto what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

    My feet don't hurt that bad. This may be because a)I'm getting used to standing on them for long periods of time or b)I got gel soles for my shoes. Or both. Time passed by pretty quick today. The first time I looked at the clock, I realized I had been working for 3 hours. Which was cool. I don't like working with Maile or Brittany. Brittany has that I'm-an-adult-so-I'm-better/know-more-than-you attitude and Maile... Maile is... I dunno. I make more mistakes when I work with Maile. She acts more like the boss than a coworker. There's more pressure to deal with when Maile's around. I like working with Erin best. She's fun.
    Omg. I got $122 in my check yesterday. Squeee!!!! That puts me at $234.80. Squee!!!! If I get checks like this every month, It'll only take me 8 months to get the whole trip paid off. Well... maybe 9 1/2. My mom said she would help with my spending money, too, so I'll probably owe her around $300. Gods... Oh hey... It'll only take me 7 months to pay off my trip, if I keep getting at least $235 per month. Nice. So anyway, if I saved my money instead of spending, it would only take me 5 months to get over $1000 dollars. I'm not sure if I can resist spending it though... I'm talking about after I get my parents paid off for the trip, by the way. I like working. Money is good!
    Well, I'm off. I gotta get some shut-eye so I can finish my homework in the morning.

-No song lyrics today-

    Mom is at the emergency room. She had an allergic reaction to something. A hive popped up on her upper eyelid. Kinda funky.
    I have a seven on my face. And it'll be there a while. Why, you ask? Because it is formed by pimples. On my chin, there are four pimples (and a freckle) that form a seven. Bit ironic, isn't it?
    Don't look forward to this weekend. I work 5-close tomorrow night. And 1-close Saturday and Sunday. Great fun, yeah? Gods, my feet are going to kill me. Least it's my last weekend of training.
    I got a thing from LeadAmerica. I think I've gotten something from them before... Well, I might actually do something with it this time. I need to beef up my college app. A leadership thing would look extremely good. Even if the all the programs have almost nothing to do with what I want to major in. lol.
    I finished the last book in a series I was reading. I cried. I have cried reading a book before, but never like I did today. It wasn't particularly sad, per say... I dunno. But anyway, I recommend the series. It's the Celtic Series by Nora Roberts. Awesome series. And I also recommend a duo-soon-to-be-trilogy by Meghan McCafferty called "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings." That is my second favorite series ever. I eagerly await April, when the paperback version of the third book comes out. Technically it's already a trilogy, but since I can't read the third book yet, I don't consider it so.
    My boobs hurt. When they're touched or jolted, anyway. I think they're growing. Which is good and bad. See, my right boob is like way bigger than my left. It sucks. So I'm glad they're growing but at the same time, annoyed. Because the size difference is becoming more noticeable. I think that if it gets too out of control, then I'm going to get the right one reducted when I get older. Which would kind of suck. But I would rather get the right reducted than the left bigger. I believe that with reductions you can still breastfeed. With implants, I know for a fact that you cannot. Shane wants me to go to a doctor. He thinks I have a lump in my right boob. or little ones, like rice. I don't remember which he thinks. But I just had my pap, and the doc didn't say anything about my boobs, so I'm not too worried. *shrug* If I get breast cancer, then we'll know he was right. Then he can rub it in my face. Kidding. He would never do that. I think he'd be too worried about my health to joke about it. Which wouldn't stop me from doing so.

stop right now
thank you very much
i need somebody with a human touch
hey you
always on the run
gotta slow it down baby
gotta have some fun
*From now on, I will end my entries with song lyrics from the song I am listening to at the time I'm finished. If there are no lyrics, I was not listening to a song.

    First off... WHEEE!!! The Democrats have the house. Awesome. I found out (by way of http://politicalcompass.org) that I am a Democrat. I've looked at the legislation they support and it's true. I'm all for gay marriage, stem-cell research, and a woman's right to choose. Is this really any big surprise? Anyone who knows me knows I hate Bush. Bush is a Republican. That should've given me my first clue. This could be a bit problematic if I ever talk politics with Shane's dad though. Chuck calls Democrats Dummy-crats. If that tells you anything. *shrug* Oh well.
    Well. Guess what? She and I are talking again. Well, we're on the path to fully talking again. But at least we have that much! My journal served it's purpose. Yes. The reason I posted about her was so that she would read them. Everything in the entries is true. I posted them here in the hopes that she would read them. That was the biggest step I was willing to take. If she read them, good. Her move. If she didn't, then things stayed the way they were. Well, she read them and she did make a move. The move that I wanted her to make. We're working on being friends again. And this makes me extremely happy and hopeful. I think that the reason it didn't work so well last time is because we both needed a bit more time. I think that this time, we'll mend. We may not be the same as we were, but we will still be. My shrink said that that kind of thing happened to him, too. Him and the guy became friends again. Their relationship wasn't the same, but it became stronger. I guess that's ok, even though I wish that things could go back to being the same. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. Or so my mother says.

    So let's talk about how the "party" sucked. Only 20% of the people invited showed up. Meaning one. And she brought a friend. I don't have a problem with the friend, persey, it's just... Well what was I going to say? "No! You can't bring a friend!"? Especially since they were already practically at my house. See? What did I say? The relationships I have with the people invited have zero substance. It only would have been worse if Ross had come. Then it would've been awkward. Three girls and one guy? Yeah, no. Want to know what we did for three hours? Played Trivial Pursuit, Twister, and Man Hunt. I didn't particularly want to play any of these games (especially the latter two, as I've been on my feet all day anyway), but because I didn't want to seem like a total bitch, I did. I'm annoyed with my brother and with Annie. My brother was downstairs when he shouldn't have been and he was showing off. And the girls at least tolerated it. Oh hell, they were all laughing and having a grand time. Know where I was while they were in the kitchen? The living room. I'm annoyed at them because they gave my brother more attention than they did me. And I'm annoyed at Sean for getting it. I know, I know. It's sad. But... well. We all know I'm lonely. Of course I'll be annoyed if Sean's taking away a tiny reprieve from it. Whatever though. I'll deal with it.

    Oh. My. Gods. My feet are killing me. I like my job. But I wish there wasn't so much standing involved. I have to work 8 1/2 hours next Saturday and Sunday. That's really gonna kill me...
    Waitin' for people to get here for the "party." It's probably only going to be Annie and Sheena. Ross stopped by Seattle's Best today and told me he probably couldn't make it tonight because his parents are making him go to a movie. That sucks, but oh well. He might've felt awkward anyway, since he would've been the only boy. *shrug* Waitin' on my cd to finish burning. Then I have to make another one. Kinda boring.

    Oh my gods! I am fucking freezing!!! It's been cold all day but now I'm really cold. I'm lookin' out my window tomorrow before I get dressed. No more of this wearing-a-skirt-when-it's-raining shit.
    I have an ATM card! I feel so special. When I went and cashed my check today, I opened up an account with my parents' bank. I made $71 in my first check. I have to get a form from my boss so that the rest of my checks are direct deposited into my account.
    Saving up for my Euro trip is going to be a bitch. I realized that even if I only put $100 into my account a month, it would take me 16 months to get my money. Even if I put $200 into my account a month, it'll still take me 8 months. I only have until February, I think. That's bad. Because not only do I have to save for my half of the trip, I have to save for spending money, too. I think what I'm going to do is save all my money from my checks for the trip until Feb. After that, I'll save up for spending money until June. That's three months. By then, I think I'll be making $200 a month. So I'll have $600 dollars saved up. That's only 460-500 euro, depending on how many dollars there are to a euro at that time. I haven't talked it over with my mom yet, but I what I would like is for my mom to give me half of what I save up for spending money. So if I get $600, she'll give me $300. And I'll add that to however much I still owe them. We'll see.
    I've not mentioned it yet, but I'm on the honor roll for the first time since I've been in high school. I have 5 A's and a B. Kind of annoying that I have one B, but I'm proud of it because it's a hard class. Honors Chemistry. It's really fun though.
    I got something in the mail the day before yesterday. It's and invitation to compete for a scholarship to go to this special high school. It's only 11th and 12th grade. And you graduate from there with an IB diploma. Not sure what that is yet, but apparently it's a very good thing. If I won the scholarship, I would be taking three AP courses. That's kind of scary. I have to do a bit more research into it, but I'll probably at least try to get the scholarship. If I don't win, it's no biggie. I can still put that I was nominated or whatever for it on my college applications. If I do win it... Well, I'll be going to Wales, Italy, or Norway, if I have anything to say about it. I wouldn't see my family, or Shane, for a whole year. That would be hard and it would suck but... *shrug* I'd do it if it was going to help me in the long run. I'm not so sure I could actually do it, though. I've never been one for competitive academics and I don't know that I could handle three AP courses. I don't even know that I would deserve that diploma even if I did graduate. Most of the students that graduate from there go to Ivy League colleges, or some equivalent thereof. I am not going to an Ivy League college. I have no desire to go to an Ivy. My plans would remain unchanged, even if I did go to this thing. So... yeah. We'll see about this, too.
    I did absolutely nothing for Halloween. I didn't even have a costume. Kind of sad and depressing. *shrug* It would have been fun to do a ritual but, obviously there's a problem with that. I would've liked to have spent it with friends. Problem there, too. Oh well. Nothing to cry over.
    It's getting worse, but it's getting better. Kind of strange. I haven't been thinking about her too much. When I'm away from the computer. But when I'm here, I practically live for whatever snippets I can get about her life. I eagerly await poetry and journal entries. I kid you not, I check her page, on here and DevArt, more times than I can count. When she writes, it's a double-edged sword. I'm happy to see it and get to know what's going on in her life, but it sucks because I know I'm not a part of it. And when she doesn't write, I get disappointed. I only make trouble for myself.

    So. I got a migraine on Saturday. About 5 mins after I got to work. That sucked. Ass. I had to take my Midrin and call my dad to come get me. He wasn't too happy as he had just dropped me off. Was probably at home already in bed again. I took all day yesterday recovering. I got sick once. Which is an improvement from two weeks ago when I got sick three times. Yes, I had a migraine two weeks ago. It's kind of funny, because I haven't had a migraine in a little over a year. Yeah... Seems they wanted to come back. And make up for their absence to boot. Ick.
    Schedule for school's wonky for the next two weeks. Periods this week go like this: Period x, break, period x, period y, lunch, period y. Yeah, that sucks balls. And next week, we only have two days of school. Which is good. Except those days are Wednesday and Thursday. Retarded...
    Why do I keep doing this to myself? Seriously, why? She wrote a poem. It sounds like she's lonely as hell and even more miserable. But, from what I can tell, it's not because of what happened between us. Don't know what it's about but.... I hate knowing she's in pain. I want to just hold her and tell her it's alright. That she can cry. Because it seems like she needs to. But. Well. We've been over this. So there's no point going over it again. Maybe if I stopped reading her poetry on the website and her journal, I can stop. *laughs cynically* Nope. Because even before we started talking again, I didn't read her journal or her writing. And still I thought about her. *sighs* I miss my seestar... Ah. Lookit that. Seestar. I haven't used that word in so long. And I won't ever use it for anyone else. Amburger... Gods, I hated that name. She said it because she knew it made me bristle. It seems like so long ago and yet... like it was just yesterday. Damnit! I want to let her go. Just let go. But it ain't happening. I wonder, if she knew about this, if she would be satisfied in some way. That she was a, for lack of a better word, thorn in my heart. Deeply wedged. But she's not a thorn either. I dunno what to compare it to. *shrug* Oh well. I'll get over it. Eventually. Hopefully.

    Two in one day! Amazing!
    Yeah, that last one got out of hand. But the things needed to be said. So here's other stuff.
    I'm 17 now. I didn't have a party. Nobody important to invite that isn't already here. Speaking of parties, I went to one last Friday. *shrug* It was fun. Littly party, mind. 10 people at most. And I left about 3 hours after I got there cause I had to work on Saturday.
    Daddy's back. It's been great. Mama's mellowed out and I've been happier. I've missed him. Very much. What can I say? I'm a Daddy's Girl.
    I've got a strange urge to draw something and then play with the chalks... I dunno why. I'll have to do something about it. Lest it get away. Considering I've had an art block for the past year or two, that wouldn't be a good thing. I want to draw on the sidewalk too. Like a big pretty picture. With detail and what-not. But we don't have the right type of sidewalk for it. More the pity...
    I'm out of shape and doing nothing about it. Gods, I want to dance. But it's not so much fun by yourself. And I can't spend the money to go to a class with Devyn. Oh well, I guess...
    I haven't been reading much lately. Just haven't been in the mood. But I've read two books in the past couple of days, so that's good. They were both good, of course. I wouldn't have read them if they weren't. And now I want more. I have an addiction. Books to me are like candies to fat people. Yes, I know that's a bad analogy to make but I don't honestly give a damn. It gets the point across.
    I had the weirdest dream the night before last. Weirdest dream. It involved my first boyfriend and a guy who's known me my entire life. Weird. I think I might need to get in tough with Ronnie... He was my first boyfriend. I've thought about him over the years. Which is fine. But when I dream about him? Don't think I need to be hit with a 2x4 for me to get the message. The problem is, I have no idea how to get ahold of him. The last I heard, he lived in Michigan. How the hell am I supposed to find him? I'll google. Google is your friend. It's actually kind of scary. If I google my name,  a picture of me pops right up, courtesy of my school art club. Great, right? Makes me feel all warm and safe...
    Well, I guess that's all. I need to be going to bed soon. Work and all that...

    Gods, it's been ages hasn't it? Well, I dunno how long this will be or when I'll update again but here goes.
    I have a job at the NEX at Seattle's Best. It's fun and I look forward to it. Especially since it will get me to Europe. More on that later. There's a girl that works there, Erin, that plays WoW. It's so awesome. We talk about it a lot. Sadly, she plays on a different server. But oh well. Least I have someone to talk to about it other than Shane.
    So about the Europe comment. Next summer (07), I will be going to Europe for 18 days. I can't wait! The job is so I can pay for half the trip. And spending money. We'll be going to Amsterdam, Venice, Paris, London, and Edinburgh. And other little stops inbetween. I'm so happy that I get to go to Venice! I was worried that I wouldn't get to see it. We can have alcohol while we're there. He he. Our parents just have to sign a form saying how much and what-not. I'm going with my school, by the way. In case that wasn't obvious. Eeeh! 3 days in Scotland. Gods. I try not to think about it too much because then I'll get really anxious and antsy. Amber doesn't need that.
    I'm having a party next weekend. Well. It's not really a party. Just people coming to hang out. It's not a big deal. You know why? There's not any substance, not really, to the relationships I have with the people that are coming. Yeah, I talk to them and stuff. But, once I move, I'll probably never see or talk to them again. So, no true substance. Know what? I'm lonely. So very fucking lonely. Sometimes Most of the time, I wish things hadn't gone horribly wrong. I entertained the idea last night that I lost a soul mate. Not a romantic one. But a soul mate nonetheless. I wish so much that we could just pick things up from before it got bad. But we can't ever be friends again. Not if I'm with him. But that's not even the problem. She can't ever trust me again. Ever. I could see it in her eyes and I could feel it. So there's no point even trying. I could never have a relationship with her that wasn't totally open. I just couldn't go from sharing everything to sharing next to nothing. Not on my part, mind you. I would easily fall back into our old routine. But her... She always guarded what she said to me when we started talking again. And if I asked about a certain something, she wouldn't say anymore. Because that was her personal life. Not safe to expose herself like that to me. Never know what the snake would do, right? *sigh* Even as I write this, I'm shaking on the inside. In my chest. I miss what we had. I miss it and I want it back. But that's the thing. I can't ever get it back. And I hate it. I don't blame myself for all that happened. It's both of our faults. But I feel my share of the blame keenly. And I know she feels the repercussions of what happened. But she's moving on. I envy her that. That she can. Because I can't. Her thread is still here, badly frayed but it's there. And I can't bring myself to cut it. In fact, I sent healing energy her way last night. Because she's had a hard time lately. I tried to anyway. Dunno if it worked, but I tried. I felt like I had worked energy after I was done so I took that as a good sign. He doesn't approve of my talking to her. Well, maybe it's not that he doesn't approve.... He doesn't understand why I can't just leave it be. I don't know either. Or maybe I do. Maybe I hold some stupid vain hope that somehow, someway we'll be friends again. Hopeless, aren't I? Bit sad too. But hey. It's all in my stars. I'm all water and air. Emotional and all that.

    This seems to be my month for mending fences. Last night, after we went to the chiropractor, we stopped at Tom and Joie's. We all went outside and talked. Kind of fixed things. Kinda. We're going to try to be friends again. Tom leaves in a month for Iraq for a year. Which really sucks. That's kind of a new reason I want to be friends with Joie again. She'll need people to be there for her while he's gone. And, I mean, she has her coven but... I want to be there for her. We're going to attend one of their coven meetings and see if we like it. We being Shane, Sean, and I. I don't know that I want to be in a coven again. For right now, anyways. If I don't mind going, then I'll go all the time and just learn. I wouldn't be in the coven to get degrees. I wouldn't even try. I would just go to learn. Because I still want to learn as much as I can. Joie is leery of us. Which I understand. We really hurt them when we "abandoned" them. I didn't want to, but nobody else in the coven wanted to go and sit down to talk and get all the shit in the open. Well, I guess it's too late now to worry over spilt milk. So, we'll see how this friendship goes.
    We go to Fire Tribe tomorrow. Yay! It's a bit hectic though. We waited until today to get my mask making stuff and Shane's massage stuff. Well, FloraDec was closed by the time we got there so I couldn't get my mask making stuff. We have to wake up at like 7 and go over to FloraDec to get everything. Then we have to go over to InSpecs to get my new glasses. Because we forgot to go back to Ward and get them. *rolls her eyes* It'll be a little... crazy tomorrow. Shane wants to get up to Timberline before noon so that paying for the meal plan for tomorrow is actually worth it. Otherwise, we'd be paying $20 just for dinner. The food might be good, but I highly doubt that it's that good. Sean's not going with us, by the way. WayneBo said no. Can't blame 'im either.
    My throat hurts. I talked it raw reading to Shane the night before last at Anna's. I have found that this happens when I don't have anything to drink while I'm reading. It's never hurt to this degree before, though. So, we'll not be doing that again.